Tuesday, 13 January 2015

What a strange world

It has been 2 months since my last blog post. It is actually reflective to record moments of struggle and strife. I began to understand how much I have grown in my individual being. Whilst there is rough battles that transpired in the past, I've learnt that you can only go so low. At the very end, when you have nothing, God becomes your everything.

This I am grateful for all that has happened. It really blessed my heart to see how some of these toils and work has since seen its fruits. It is almost like I had a 1 year pregnancy that just given birth to so much possibilities.

There's little I can explain due to time and weariness, but I'm learning. At least to do justly, love mercy and walk humbly before my God.

K

Saturday, 1 November 2014

The Verge

My mind is stretched out thinly. It's been working so hard, yet seemingly fruitless. I'm not making progress in growing, in learning. So far it has been just so overwhelming. Somethings gotta give.

The question is what should give?

I'm in surrender.

Sunday, 21 September 2014

Discouraged

Having to be under a rather hectic schedule can prove to be an unsurmountable task. I consume alot of information in the process and there are times that it proves to be a real struggle. Making sense of everything at one go can be rather perplexing, and it is whenever I find myself incapable of follow up, I delve into my past memories seeking for any form of inspiration.

It is in that moment I realised that God has everything in his control. I shan't strive but choose to trust in him and I work at it with all of my heart.

I'll share more, but let me finish my assignment first.

K

Thursday, 18 September 2014

Responsibility

There's a deep ache of duty. I can't explain. But I grit my teeth at the prospect of not delivering what I said I would. It's a wrinkle in my heart that will never straighten out. I am not too sure why, but it drains me to admit so. I'm moulding, I feel every strand in my body being shifted into a position of surrender. Deciding that as I let go there is a need for an intrinsic belief to trust in a higher power.

Trust in the Lord. Lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways, acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.

"God, you've made me someone strong. Now teach me to be meek. Show me to surrender, wean my heart of control. There is much I need to learn, there's much that I can let go. It is well with my soul"

K

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

Debt

We all owe a great debt. Maybe that is why sometimes we feel that great sense of responsibility to put in our best with every endeavour. Maybe that is why it is such a burdensome weight upon our shoulders whenever we throw in the towel, a taste so bitter when we crumble in utter defeat.

Quite the conundrum this is, we don't deserve it; Regardless of the consequences or the rewards that we experience. I found myself being completely clueless as this sense of duty was being thrusted into the depths of my heart. But as I delve further, what does all of these really represent?

It represents a privilege, of those before me that could not experience it. It represents power, of the choices that I can make. It represents purpose, of what must be done in my lifetime.

We inherited this debt from those who have went before us. They sacrificed and fought hard for a life we don't deserve. Now we owe it to our future generations to build a life worth living for them. To explore and discover a deeper meaning towards living life to the fullest.

We stand on shoulders of giants, so let's be grateful for the view and use this foresight to pave the way forward.

#kyjournal #reflections #grateful

Sunday, 7 September 2014

Alone


Being alone in our present society raises an important question about identity and well-being.

For awhile I shudder at the thought of taking on the entire world by a mere 'me'. Who am I, what can I really do? I've met with countless of challenges through the course of my journey, and it always boils down to a question of competence, of the chances one can take with me. It felt shattering, I couldn't really hold up. 

But the past 25 years have proven that I did hold up, and every step of the way. Regardless of how 'lonely' life seemed, I wasn't really alone. There were people looking out for me, watching me grow up, empowering me through every process and every step of the way.

I enjoy a life of solitude, but I cannot deny the fact that I was raised by many. It was a privilege that I could never take for granted, and with deep gratitude, the only way I can ever make sense of it is to give back what was given. 

For survival takes, solidarity gives.

Every new day I try to find the words to speak, to live. And I struggle in my humanity to fully express the depths of my heart. As I explore deeper ideas in clarity, I turn to a being that as always stayed true. The being that taught me, and still teaching me about what love truly is and how it can be.

God I trust that in each step, I continue to give my heart to you.

K

Saturday, 30 August 2014

Relationships

I spent today recollecting myself. Its been one heck of a ride, and seems like it will continue to be in the same way. Initially I wasn't sure how I could make sense of all that is happening, but I knew for a period of time how I was feeling throughout.

Alone.

I realised that it wasn't the lack of a physical or emotional presence that affected me. But a realisation of two fears that was etched deep within my soul. A reality that has always haunted me to scamper as far as my heart could hide.

1. I will never fully understand.
2. I will never be fully understood.

Sometimes when I access these feelings, a pandora box springs out.
"People will never fully understand one another. Life will never be fair. Your heart will always be broken" The lists just goes on.

Within these aspects, as I learn how to fully articulate my thoughts and feelings at the same time. A major disappointment rises from my spirit. Is that all that mankind is for? Are we that inadequate when it comes to building relationships?

We have great potential to make revolution and change. But we don't actually know what to do when it comes to the people we love. Maybe I am just disillusioned by the fact that people who do are sacrificing much of their hearts and soul. At the very end, I don't see the end of the tunnel.

"Speeches would be made.
A fire would be lit.
A book would be stolen." - The Book Thief

It was a retreat, and a realisation that yet I live to fight another day. Maybe with each step there's hope.

K